Sunday, February 15, 2009

the race is on

So in case you haven't noticed, I watch a lot of crap tv. It is just one of my many innocent vices . . . and the reason I would probably make a bad high school English teacher.

Anyway, today's shameless boob-tube indulgence was The Amazing Race. For a long time I scoffed at this show as another Survivor-style, reality show for corn-fed middle american housewives. Then I watched 5 minutes of it and was completely sucked in.

I would like to be a contestant on The Amazing Race.

Laugh all you want, bitches! You know the footage of my mad-cap dash across the continents, booking flights and chatting with cab drivers and eating weird shit would make amazing television. Think of all the great songs I could make up along the way . . . "Oh, Travelocity gnome! Eff this shit, I want to go hooome!"

So, I will be accepting applications for My Partner on the Amazing Race. All are welcome to apply! A few up-front guidelines:

1. As my partner on The Amazing Race, you will be required to do all of the driving. Exceptions can be made for rickshaws / donkey carts / bicycles / paddleboats / and other vehicles not requiring strict adherence to the rules of the road.

2. We will be super nice to all cab drivers, no matter how creepy / filthy / inept they are.

3. We will attempt to speak to the locals, in their native tongue, as much as possible. Whether or not we actually know the language is irrelevant. "A" for effort, people!

4. We will try to work in plugs for various products / personal agendas as much as possible. For example, at some point during our donkey-milking challenge, I might say, "Gee . . . I really wish we had some delicious Kashi Heart to Heart cereal to go with this donkey-milk . . . nothing fuels me for a race across the continents quite like a healthy and delicious bowl of Kashi brand cereals." Then, even if we are eliminated from the race, we still get to come home to a lifetime supply of free Kashi.

It would also be nice if you could say, "You know what would make this 18 hour train trip across Siberia much more entertaining? Some great blog-reading material!" which would be my cue to say, "Oh! You should check out this crazy-awesome blog called "One Girl, 12 Ways . . . you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about penicillin . . . tell your friends!"

5.There will be no alliances / strategies / trickery. We are on The Amazing Race to be wacky and take a free trip. Winning, etc is just gravy.

Think you can handle it? Send me your "Why I Am Your Obvious Partner For The Amazing Race" essays now. You know you want to.

1 comment:

  1. Tea- As you know from our four torturous years of writing essays, I am not so good at it. So, I ask you one question- Why WOULDN'T you want me as your Amazing Race partner?? We would totally win!
    The End. :)