Thursday, April 30, 2009

a bday gift for afp!

As you might already know, I'm kind of obsessed with Amanda Palmer.

In honor of her birthday, she's asked her loyal followers to share her music with those who might appreciate a little Amanda Fucking Palmer in their lives.

So this is for all of you, from afp, on her jesus birthday. xo!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

pig fever

Do these pigs look feverish to you?

Today the Human Resources department forwarded the entire office a Swine Flu Newsletter. It’s pretty comprehensive. My favorite section is titled: “What should I do if I am in regular contact with pigs?”

Swine Flu Newsletter offers helpful tips for how to avoid contracting or spreading swine flu, such as:
“Cover your mouth and nose with disposable tissues when coughing and sneezing and dispose of the used tissues properly.”
“If there is an ill person at home, try to provide the ill person a separate section in the house. If this is not possible, keep the patient at least 1 meter in distance from others.”
“Take care to cover your nose and mouth during travel.”

I can’t wait for next week’s issue of Swine Flu Newsletter, which I’m sure will feature tips on stocking your pandemic bunker and step-by-step instructions on how to throw your ailing loved ones into a pit of quicklime.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

forever golden

It’s taken almost 3 days for me to finally be able to talk about it.

Bea Arthur is dead.

My father was the one who broke it to me. “Tarryn, I have some bad news . . . mom doesn’t think I should tell you this now and spoil your Saturday night – but I want you to hear it from a loved one and not a stranger. Bea Arthur has gone to that big retirement community in the sky.”

Why, God?! First Sophia, now Dorothy?! It’s like you’re pecking off the Golden Girls in order of my favorites. Betty White, watch out!!

Oh Bea Arthur – how did I love thee? Let me count the ways. From your giant, linebacker-esque shoulder-pads, to your deadpan, manly voice . . . you were not afraid to be dude-ish and hilarious. You made sarcasm and “not-beautiful-ness” kinda hot. And of all the Golden Girls, you were the one who got married during the series finale. That’s right, Blanche – you can suck it!

On my last day at my old barista gig, I took a Sharpie into the women’s bathroom and wrote “Bea Arthur Slept Here” on the wall of my favorite napping stall. I hope that message is still there.

Bea, I hope you and Estelle Getty are yukking it up somewhere right now. And if swine flu has its way, I might be joining you soon enough -- save me a slice of cheesecake!

Monday, April 13, 2009

happiness is . . . a tiny pig

I defy you to watch this and hate your life:

Last week, I was pretty sure I needed Prozac. Then I remembered this amazingly wonderful pig video I found one rainy afternoon at the office. I know its the type of thing your mom would send in a forwarded email message . . . in fact, I think the website I found it on labeled it "Forward This To Your Mom" . . . but something about this tiny pig just makes me so . . . happy. I need to find a way to download this video to my ipod so I can just whip it out and watch it whenever shit is hitting the fan. Trapped on a disabled MBTA bus? Don't worry -- pig is here! Waiting to hear your blood test results? Let pig keep you company! Being held hostage by pirates? Share this pig video with them! Nothing brings together pirates and Navy SEALs like a tiny pig at the beach. It's true.

Better yet -- where can I get a pig like this of my very own? Waking up to that tiny little face and that murderously adorable squealing everyday . . . that would make my life so much better. Some people want babies . . . some people want houses . . . I just want a teacup-sized pot bellied pig.

Sigh. A girl can dream.

Friday, April 10, 2009

friday fluff

the week was long,
my brain is dead -
i have no blog-posts
in my head.

please read this list
and don't be mad -
my next post will
be really rad.

A List of Possible Band Names Based on the Crap on my Desk -- 4:33pm, Friday

The Diet Cokes
The Bobble-Lobsters
Unicorn Band-aid
The Dirty Notebooks
10 Dollar Nickel
Gum Wrapper Collection
Lonely Post-It
The Sustainable Design Brochures (not sure about this one . . . )

Thursday, April 9, 2009

scared silly

I’m aware that yesterday’s post might have been a little Crybaby-Saddam-ish . . . and during Comedy Month too, no less! My apologies.

I’d like to share my latest TV Guilty Pleasure with you all.

Ok, so last night found me beached on the couch, wearing my Robe of Sadness (read: fluffy hot pink bathrobe from Target) and stuffing my face with Bars of Anger and Desperation (read: Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bars. Yes, that’s bars – plural. It’s been a rough week, people). Whilst surfing the tv listings, I saw that tonight’s Ghost Hunters episode was “investigating” Sacco’s Bowl Haven in Somerville, MA.

Say wha?! My favorite bowling alley, located in my favorite square of my 3rd favorite Boston suburb – could be haunted?! Once again, TV saves my life tonight (sugar bear!) . . .

I don’t normally watch the SciFi Channel. But the commercials alone deserve their own TV show . . . the SciFi Original Movie “Thor: Hammer of the Gods” looks so amazingly awful, it might actually be the best thing on TV. Also, If I’m ever home alone on a Saturday night, SciFi’s got me covered with a 3 hour fantasy drama about warlocks and dinosaurs. Seriously – who needs a date?

Anyway – back to the Ghostbusters . . . er – Ghost Hunters. These dudes are amazing. I can’t quite figure out their deal. By day, they work for Roto-Rooter . . . by night, they rid people of the pesky spirits lurking in their basements. I’m not making this up.

So, here they are at Sacco’s Bowl Haven – setting up their ghost-surveillance cameras and explaining the workings of their electromagnetic field detectors. The owner of Sacco’s is really glad they’re here. His employees are ready to mutiny, they’re so freaked out by ghosts when closing up shop at night. Right – ghosts. I should start trying to pull that at my place of employment . . . “I can’t work after dark, I’m afraid the building is haunted.” Unemployment office, here I come!

The owner shows the Ghost Hunters crew around the place. The most “haunted” areas appear to be a tiny closet where “the old janitor, Charlie, used to live. No, really – he had a hot plate, and a recliner back here.” Also – the area behind the bowling lanes where the ball return and pin-setting machine are located. Apparently, people hear strange noises back here. Gee – I wonder if all this rickety old bowling machinery could be the cause?

So the Ghost Hunters gather up their spook-detectors and turn off the lights. Because, as every knows, ghosts can only be hunted in complete darkness. Then, they play a game of pool. No shit. They set up one of their “electromagnetic field detectors” on the edge of the pool table, and every once and awhile they say, “Hey – if there are any ghosts here who wanna shoot some pool with us, come on over!” I was kinda hoping a pool cue would suddenly float down from the wall and beat one of them senseless . . . but no luck.

Ghost Hunters then move on to “Charlie’s Closet”. Here, their superior plumbing knowledge proves invaluable, as they conclude that the “ghost of Charlie” is actually a leaky toilet located off the closet.

Then, they bowl. I bet the owner of Sacco’s is kicking himself right now. Never has there been such a clever plot to get a free string of bowling – never!

Finally, they send in two squeal-y, 20-something girls. Everyone knows girls are a Ghost Hunter’s secret weapon. If there is anything remotely creepy / startling / spooky / gross to be had – a girl will find it and shriek about it. These two girls decide to try communicating with the spirits. “Why do you haunt this place? Did you die here? What’s your best bowling score?” Suddenly – they hear strange scratching noises coming from . . . somewhere. Behind the bowling lanes, perhaps. They dutifully crawl off into the bowels of the mechanical room, assuring the ghosts, “we just want to talk with you, we’re not going to hurt you!”

At this point, I’m sitting on the couch saying, “Squirrels! Squirrels! Squirrels!” or better still, “Rats! Rats! Rats!” Anyone who’s ever wandered Davis Sq after dark can’t doubt that there are rodents lurking in the walls of those old buildings.

Sadly, the Ghost Hunters did not stumble upon a rat colony. And, after thorough review of all their ghost-surveillance footage, they concluded that Sacco’s Bowl Haven is not haunted. Their employees are merely lazy / pussies. Then they hopped in their magic ghost-hunting van and headed back to Rhode Island.

This might be my new favorite TV show.

Better yet – they are holding a contest to find the “Next Great Pair of Ghost Hunters”! Viewers are encouraged to send in brief videos of themselves and a friend “hunting for ghosts”. The prize – a chance to be on the show and become part of the ghost-hunting crew!

Obviously, I’m currently accepting applications for the role of my Ghost Hunting Partner-in-Crime. Must love screaming and hate squirrels. Bonus points if you have an “electromagnetic field detector”. I’m pretty sure it’s just a radar detector. I mean – what was that?! Oh my god . . .did you hear that?! Is . . . is there something over there?? I’m freaking out you guys . . . !!! Eeeek!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

rat in a cage

Silence in the blogland is due to shake-ups in Corporate America, people -- I apologize. The world is a wacky place these days. I will spare you all the details (also, if the details were to be recognized, my little piece of Corporate America would probably give me the smackdown . . . which actually wouldn’t be so terrible. But I digress).

This is a difficult time to figure out what to do with one’s life. Choices are limited. Risk-taking is very risky. I am torn by my duty to be a responsible 20-something who feeds / clothes / houses herself . . . and my longing for a life that doesn’t resemble one long, miserable day in the DMV waiting room. That’s what my life feels like these days – not so much “living”, as “existing”.

But I can’t wallow. I gotta pull my shit together and start making some plans – because god knows I can only be a cubicle jockey for so long. I’m open to suggestions. What would be a good life for moi? Teacher? Waitress? Radio personality? Pirate?

I sometimes wish I could hit the reset button – just pick up and start over somewhere totally new for awhile. The Facebook quiz for “What City Should I Live In” says I belong in Seattle. It rains a lot there. I think I’d rather be rained on in London.

Moving places seems so hard.

If only I could make money making fun of things. That’s one of my true life joys / talents. Tea Guarie – Professional Heckler. Time to make up some new business cards.

Ah, well. Someday, we’re all gonna look back on this time in our lives and laugh . . . right?

Friday, April 3, 2009

we are very amused

Oh, to be the filling in this "hug sandwich":

The British press was apparently blown away by the First Lady touching the Queen. Dude, didn't we have a president who threw up on the Queen or something wacky like that?

BFFs. Love it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

don't drink the water

Ever since returning from vacation, my digestive tract has been rampaging like an uncontrollable adolescent – and I’ve been indulging its every whim. Blargh – someone please pass the Tums . . . and that bottle of rum.

The springtime air and my perpetual hangover have motivated me to declare April a “Month of Cleansing.” I’m back to my sensible salad eating ways, layin’ off the booze for a couple weeks, and just generally trying to maintain a semblance of healthy living until the nausea subsides. Brilliant!

Now, according to all the “women’s magazines”, drinking several gallons of water a day is one of the key rules to Healthy Living. And obviously, everything you read in magazines is true. I’ve been chugging water from my trusty Office Water Bottle (yes, I’m one of those lame-asses) like a marathon runner. Never mind that I literally sit on my ass for 9 hours a day – hydration is good for the soul, whether your body is actually dehydrated or not!

Here’s the thing, though. My office got rid of all of our Poland Springs water coolers as a “cost cutting measure”. So my primary water source is now an old-school style drinking fountain next to the bathroom. And while I was totally down with lappin’ H2O from these bad-boys when I was in 4th grade – times have changed. Yes, I’ve got my Water Bottle, so its not like I actually have to put my mouth close to the spigot or anything. But . . . the building I work in is over 100 years old, located in the heart of a major metropolitan area and built on filled-in marshlands. A few weeks ago, we had a major issue with sewage stink in the women’s bathroom beside the drinking fountain. Drains gurgle, pipes bang. I’m sure no one has looked into the plumbing of this building since the ‘50s.

Am I unwittingly chugging 64 oz of Sediment and Lead Poisoning? Is the slight cramping I’m experiencing today my body’s way of adjusting to a healthier diet, or is that the first twinge before my kidneys shut down? I’d WebMD this ish, but what would I search for – “toxic workplace water? Old-school plumbing poisoning?” Or maybe, “hypochondriac with too much time on her hands?”

Whatever – I’m gonna continue livin’ on the edge and drink my pollutants like a good little health nut. And if my mouth starts tasting like pennies and my pee turns weird colors . . . I’m sure its nothing a pizza and a couple of beers can’t cure!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

i pity the fool

Happy April Fools Day, people! A holiday that encourages cruelty, trickery and paranoia . . . or, as I like to think of it, Christmas in April. Ho ho ho.

I am waiting for someone to pop up behind my cube and announce that the past 3 years of my life have been one long-running joke. Pass me a check, Howie Mandel . . this has gotta be some sort of reality tv game show, yes? Yes?!

Oh, well.

So, since comedy class has just barely begun – and I was a bad little blogger for the month of March – I’m continuing the Comedy theme for the month of April. I think I will also bring back the February Challenge of posting once a day. (is she joking? see – you don’t know what to believe today, do you?)

So, at this week’s comedy class, we did an exercise where everyone else in the class tells you what their first impressions of you are, based solely on appearance. This might sound like being thrown to a pack of wolves – but it was actually pretty interesting. I have no concept of how other people see me. Hell, I barely know how I see myself . . . note the underlying theme of this blog. Apparently, strangers find me to be your Standard 20-Something Girl:

She has a lot of girl friends
She has a lot of guy friends
She likes playing flip cup
She’s creative
She’s into art
She likes the color pink
She’s into long term relationships
She’s a smoker
She’s a pot smoker
She has a tattoo
She’s sarcastic

Hmmm. Interesting. I’m surprised they weren’t able to pick up on my love of Muppets and my fear of left turns.

This is good though – it helps me figure out what my “stage persona” will be. If people see me as a run-of-the-mill, drinking-game-loving, girly girl, I can play with that. My “homework” for this week is to come up with 2 minutes of material based on myself. I could probably come up with 2 hours worth of material on my neuroses alone, so this should not be a problem.

Viva Avril! (the month, not the singer)