Thursday, April 9, 2009

scared silly

I’m aware that yesterday’s post might have been a little Crybaby-Saddam-ish . . . and during Comedy Month too, no less! My apologies.

I’d like to share my latest TV Guilty Pleasure with you all.

Ok, so last night found me beached on the couch, wearing my Robe of Sadness (read: fluffy hot pink bathrobe from Target) and stuffing my face with Bars of Anger and Desperation (read: Chocolate Peppermint Stick Luna Bars. Yes, that’s bars – plural. It’s been a rough week, people). Whilst surfing the tv listings, I saw that tonight’s Ghost Hunters episode was “investigating” Sacco’s Bowl Haven in Somerville, MA.

Say wha?! My favorite bowling alley, located in my favorite square of my 3rd favorite Boston suburb – could be haunted?! Once again, TV saves my life tonight (sugar bear!) . . .

I don’t normally watch the SciFi Channel. But the commercials alone deserve their own TV show . . . the SciFi Original Movie “Thor: Hammer of the Gods” looks so amazingly awful, it might actually be the best thing on TV. Also, If I’m ever home alone on a Saturday night, SciFi’s got me covered with a 3 hour fantasy drama about warlocks and dinosaurs. Seriously – who needs a date?

Anyway – back to the Ghostbusters . . . er – Ghost Hunters. These dudes are amazing. I can’t quite figure out their deal. By day, they work for Roto-Rooter . . . by night, they rid people of the pesky spirits lurking in their basements. I’m not making this up.

So, here they are at Sacco’s Bowl Haven – setting up their ghost-surveillance cameras and explaining the workings of their electromagnetic field detectors. The owner of Sacco’s is really glad they’re here. His employees are ready to mutiny, they’re so freaked out by ghosts when closing up shop at night. Right – ghosts. I should start trying to pull that at my place of employment . . . “I can’t work after dark, I’m afraid the building is haunted.” Unemployment office, here I come!

The owner shows the Ghost Hunters crew around the place. The most “haunted” areas appear to be a tiny closet where “the old janitor, Charlie, used to live. No, really – he had a hot plate, and a recliner back here.” Also – the area behind the bowling lanes where the ball return and pin-setting machine are located. Apparently, people hear strange noises back here. Gee – I wonder if all this rickety old bowling machinery could be the cause?

So the Ghost Hunters gather up their spook-detectors and turn off the lights. Because, as every knows, ghosts can only be hunted in complete darkness. Then, they play a game of pool. No shit. They set up one of their “electromagnetic field detectors” on the edge of the pool table, and every once and awhile they say, “Hey – if there are any ghosts here who wanna shoot some pool with us, come on over!” I was kinda hoping a pool cue would suddenly float down from the wall and beat one of them senseless . . . but no luck.

Ghost Hunters then move on to “Charlie’s Closet”. Here, their superior plumbing knowledge proves invaluable, as they conclude that the “ghost of Charlie” is actually a leaky toilet located off the closet.

Then, they bowl. I bet the owner of Sacco’s is kicking himself right now. Never has there been such a clever plot to get a free string of bowling – never!

Finally, they send in two squeal-y, 20-something girls. Everyone knows girls are a Ghost Hunter’s secret weapon. If there is anything remotely creepy / startling / spooky / gross to be had – a girl will find it and shriek about it. These two girls decide to try communicating with the spirits. “Why do you haunt this place? Did you die here? What’s your best bowling score?” Suddenly – they hear strange scratching noises coming from . . . somewhere. Behind the bowling lanes, perhaps. They dutifully crawl off into the bowels of the mechanical room, assuring the ghosts, “we just want to talk with you, we’re not going to hurt you!”

At this point, I’m sitting on the couch saying, “Squirrels! Squirrels! Squirrels!” or better still, “Rats! Rats! Rats!” Anyone who’s ever wandered Davis Sq after dark can’t doubt that there are rodents lurking in the walls of those old buildings.

Sadly, the Ghost Hunters did not stumble upon a rat colony. And, after thorough review of all their ghost-surveillance footage, they concluded that Sacco’s Bowl Haven is not haunted. Their employees are merely lazy / pussies. Then they hopped in their magic ghost-hunting van and headed back to Rhode Island.

This might be my new favorite TV show.

Better yet – they are holding a contest to find the “Next Great Pair of Ghost Hunters”! Viewers are encouraged to send in brief videos of themselves and a friend “hunting for ghosts”. The prize – a chance to be on the show and become part of the ghost-hunting crew!

Obviously, I’m currently accepting applications for the role of my Ghost Hunting Partner-in-Crime. Must love screaming and hate squirrels. Bonus points if you have an “electromagnetic field detector”. I’m pretty sure it’s just a radar detector. I mean – what was that?! Oh my god . . .did you hear that?! Is . . . is there something over there?? I’m freaking out you guys . . . !!! Eeeek!

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