Thursday, April 2, 2009

don't drink the water

Ever since returning from vacation, my digestive tract has been rampaging like an uncontrollable adolescent – and I’ve been indulging its every whim. Blargh – someone please pass the Tums . . . and that bottle of rum.

The springtime air and my perpetual hangover have motivated me to declare April a “Month of Cleansing.” I’m back to my sensible salad eating ways, layin’ off the booze for a couple weeks, and just generally trying to maintain a semblance of healthy living until the nausea subsides. Brilliant!

Now, according to all the “women’s magazines”, drinking several gallons of water a day is one of the key rules to Healthy Living. And obviously, everything you read in magazines is true. I’ve been chugging water from my trusty Office Water Bottle (yes, I’m one of those lame-asses) like a marathon runner. Never mind that I literally sit on my ass for 9 hours a day – hydration is good for the soul, whether your body is actually dehydrated or not!

Here’s the thing, though. My office got rid of all of our Poland Springs water coolers as a “cost cutting measure”. So my primary water source is now an old-school style drinking fountain next to the bathroom. And while I was totally down with lappin’ H2O from these bad-boys when I was in 4th grade – times have changed. Yes, I’ve got my Water Bottle, so its not like I actually have to put my mouth close to the spigot or anything. But . . . the building I work in is over 100 years old, located in the heart of a major metropolitan area and built on filled-in marshlands. A few weeks ago, we had a major issue with sewage stink in the women’s bathroom beside the drinking fountain. Drains gurgle, pipes bang. I’m sure no one has looked into the plumbing of this building since the ‘50s.

Am I unwittingly chugging 64 oz of Sediment and Lead Poisoning? Is the slight cramping I’m experiencing today my body’s way of adjusting to a healthier diet, or is that the first twinge before my kidneys shut down? I’d WebMD this ish, but what would I search for – “toxic workplace water? Old-school plumbing poisoning?” Or maybe, “hypochondriac with too much time on her hands?”

Whatever – I’m gonna continue livin’ on the edge and drink my pollutants like a good little health nut. And if my mouth starts tasting like pennies and my pee turns weird colors . . . I’m sure its nothing a pizza and a couple of beers can’t cure!

1 comment:

  1. My interent has been acting weird, so I only just read this. Downtown Boston has "hard" water. I think that's the term anyhow. What it means is that there's more stuff dissolved in it. Not so much lead (they would have had to remove any true lead pipes ages ago I'd think) as minerals and some salt and so forth. You could buy one of those crazy water bottles with the filters in them if you don't like the taste, or you could not worry about. It won't kill you.